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WHY GOOD BYE.....^^?
I don’t know where to start, how stop my heart from breaking apart. I tried to hide it, to pretend that I’m okay. But the more I denied it, the more it pained me anyway. How easily you let go, how fast you moved on. While here I’m hurting, you chose to be on your own. I tried to ask you to change, to be more sensitive of my feelings. But you chose to be who you are. Because I love you, it didn’t matter. Instead of complaining, I chose to accept it.
Nont, now I’m here all alone, asking myself where I went wrong. I’ve been understanding to all your shortcomings, trying to accept that’s how you are. But still here I am, hurting and breaking. I want to let go and move on, but still I’m waiting and wondering if you might change. Every day I waited that my phone might ring, crossing my fingers that everything is unreal "I always said to you nont". The day is ending and so is our sad story; now I’m here writing this open letter to my broken heart. One day you will be okay, and all this will just be another story.
When asked what I would say to you, I simply nodded. I said that I would hate you for eternity, for what you’ve done. However, in my heart, that is not what I feel. I am lost without you. I don’t even know where to begin. If I could say those words to make everything right, I would. Yet, I don’t. I will never know. That kills me, no; it destroys me, inside.
These past few months, they have been hard. On not just me, but everyone connected to us. I have drug people down with me,excepted your great mother, and that, is unforgivable. Yes, I admit I’ve done some horrible, unforgiving sins, yet not a day goes by where I don’t regret every one of them.
There have been times when I was haunted by my memories, tormented, as if they were mocking me! There were times when I’d have nightmares of them. Then I would dream of you. Yes, I’ve dreamt of you. Many nights I have. It hurt to see your face in my dreams. It hurt to see my past replaying in my head, but I still dreamt. I dreamt of what I would say if, I ever saw that sweet face of yours once more. Of what I would do to make you love me as you did before. Nay, that is not what I want. I don’t want to love you. It destroyed us. Love is what tore us apart. I loved you too much, and it ruined our lives. Because of love, I am scarred for life. Therefore, I do not wish it any longer.
Nont, you are my frist love, I have tried, and failed, to call many times. Only once did I succeed. I have left messages. At least, I have tried. I’ve only ever yearned to hear your melodic voice once more. No, I’m not attached. I’ve done my best to move on with my life. Yet there is still a calling within me that wonders how you are doing. How are you doing in your life without me in it? How have you grown? Have you learned to let go, and move on?
Now your love is something that has yet to escape me. I have written on it so many times. I have had your memory and what not as the basis for many stories. Many of the text messeges I have written and stories are dealing with pain of loss, and unforgiving truths. Why I have done this, you may ask. The answer is quite simple. Because I am nothing without you, your memory has forced me to write of what we were. Many of my stories deal with a character who has lost a loved one and has some mistake that he cannot forgive himself for, and therefore is tearing him up inside. You know of what mistake(s), I speak. Therefore, it makes complete sense.
I assume that knowing you were a great person before any of this ever happened is what dominates me. Plus, in case you didn’t know, I’ve accepted the fact that we will never be again, what we once were. It took problably 3 months, but I’m finally over you. Although it may not be one hundred percent, and it may never be, I have done what I could to move on.
People have told me, that it was excessively long. However, I moved at my own pace; sulked in my own scars and tears long enough. I may never forget what I’ve done, nay, but I have forgiven what I’ve done. My only hope and dream is that you can forgive me one last time and speak to me once again.
You may never be my “lover” again, but you can still be the one I have only ever longed for. Therefore, I can support you when needed, and help you through troubled times once more. To me, you will never just be a figment of my past. You are real. As real as a butterfly in the spring. As real as the rain in summer, or the snow in winter. You will never be purely a memory.
The reasons I have for letting you go are quite clear. I needed to be rid of you so that I may move one. So that I may soon be, complete yet again. For this, I am truly sorry, but it needed to be done. Now that I am, I am begging your return. I do not wish for love, as previously stated, harsh, as it may seem, however love is what destroyed us.
I only dream and wish that one day we may be back once more, whenever the day may come, hopefully within the near future, though understandable if not. I shall wait for your response. Only forgiveness and a second chance I am asking. Shall you grant me this last kindness?
There are those times when you feel like nothing could possibly go your way. You look outside and feel that there is no way the world is still spinning the way it was when you were happy once. You try so hard to get past the emptiness that you feel within your soul but know that nothing is ever going to be the same. You hate knowing that the one person so special to you doesn't feel even a fraction of the emotions that seep from you, and you wish that there was a way to tell him, and not fear losing the friendship between you.
You're lost, scared, alone and you can't take it anymore. And the way he treats you is destroying you. He makes you feel like you mean so much to him but you feel that thats impossible. He holds such a vulnerable thing captive and that thing is your heart. He's so close to breaking it but so close to setting you free you're willing to risk it. It hurts to be so torn between so many emotions. I wish it could all just stop.I know that you’re happy, and I want you to know that, when you’re happy, I’m happy, because I would do anything for you, because you mean so much to me. It hurts me to know that the one thing that brought a smile to my face and made me happy, is gone.
I only want to know, if you would have ever made me an option? Would you have been able to love me? Care for me? Hold my hand? Or is image all that counts? Let me know, so that I can know if it’s worth still hoping that one day, we could atleast be like a human in the world, because we clearly are not, and it’s clear that you totally rejected me. I know we haven’t known each other for a long time-but my love for you was SO strong, and I was never in love with someone else as much as I was with you "I always said to you Nont".
You want me to tell you the honest truth? Yeah? Well, here it is.. I dream about you every night. I spend endless afternoons thinking about you. Somedays, I don’t think about you at all, but that’s rare, because I usually don’t go a minute without thinking about you, or seeing you in my mind. When I first met you, I thought you would be different. I’d been rejected by boys because of my self image, and for once in my life, I thought it was personality that counted for you, and not image, but apparently not. For a few minutes you made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone.
So... from now on... when you think of me... just remember that I could've been the best thing you ever had. While I was holding on all you did was let go.
Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you I can remember every song you like,. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have. It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go but its even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to stay.
I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't. Have you ever hated somebody so much that you wish they would just leave and never come back but yet, loved them so much, you knew you'd die if they did?
I'm going to smile, because I wantn to make you happy, laugh, so you won't see me cry. I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me, I'm going to smile.
I hate the way I could never hate you. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you. Life sucks a lot of the time, right?
But, you know, if you can get through a heartbreak, you can get through almost anything.
You only love him because you fear that he just might be the only one that will ever love you.
One day you'll look back and think... damn! that guy really did love you... You are unmistakenably my first love.
Every guy I am with for the rest of my life will be compared to you.
Time and time again, I love you. I've love you for things that I swore to myself
I'd never love someone for... and here you are, still hurting me, and I still love you.
One day you'll look back, and you'll see. You've missed out on alot. And you'll regret it.
So I wrote this letter to you who just broke my heart for the bad time. We've been hooking up when he comes home from nothing, and talking about getting back together, and even getting leave together for many years. I said "If we were to get back together, it would be forever." So it's been something we'd been working for. And we've had a lot of issues in our relationship in the past, so we'd been trying to work them out. And now so many years later we are a couples and tells me you never wants to be with me again. Here is the letter, I don't know if I should send. Let me know.
I just want to say that I didn’t plan on writing you a letter. But, I ended up writing a mach letter to you that I wasn’t going to send, but decided to. You have caused me more pain than any person has ever caused me in my life. Because of this, I no longer think of you in a positive or happy way. I mostly think of you in an angry and hurt way and how I cannot fathom how you could treat someone you “love” in the ways that you have treated me. I also want to say that I recognize I have bad habits and issues, as all people do, even you Nont. In that, I have been very willing to change and break my habits for myself for our sake. I have been trying to change myself for the better…but it takes time. It really depends on what habits are trying to be broken, but some can take a very long time to break. It’s not easy to break bad habits, no matter how motivated you are and now matter how important it is for you to change now, it takes time. More than a few months, more than a year maybe, or maybe even longer. It cannot be rushed. Time is plentiful, yet limited. I have felt in myself the change I have accomplished since our separation after you left for...
This is not all about me though; I am merely the second person, the other half, just as you are too. If one were to plant a seed in the ground, but never water it, the seed would not grow. The seed needs water to grow into a beautiful flower and flourish. It takes two, the seed and the water, you and me. Now, I’m not saying we need each other. What I am trying to get at is this; I wanted to be a better person for our relationship and for myself, I wanted to make quick miraculous changes in myself in order to have a healthy relationship with you, But, you were not interested in or willing to change yourself for our relationship. Although I knew this, I was unaware that we would only succeed if we were both willing to better ourselves in order to better our relationship and have the potential to have a beautiful relationship like we once had. I tried tried and tried to accept the fact that you weren’t willing, but inside it ate at me, because I felt like I was the only one with hope, I was the only one trying to make it work.
You wanted me to do all of the work for the both of us. It was either I change or it was over forever. This was a lot of weight to bare. I felt like you didn’t take responsibility for yourself, and for your actions. Bottom line is "you"; it takes two to achieve success in one relationship. I can’t do all of the work, although I wish I could. It was hard to feel motivated to change when I felt like you weren’t motivated. I felt like I was the only one who wanted it, you showed no motivation or will to make it work. Yes I know, you gave me another shot at the relationship, and maybe that was your “will” to make it work, you gave me another try. But not really. We never tried the relationship. Being in-between and having the weird undefined relationship was confusing, for me at least, it wasn’t any real comparison of how the relationship could have gone if we had actually committed to each other. It made things harder to handle. We have talked about this subject before, so I don’t think I need to go into further detail on how I feel about it.
I have a feeling at this point in the letter you are about to get up and go find something better to do, like go to the gym, or talk to my friend like P'LEX. I feel that after our last conversation you are no longer caring towards me, so I would not be surprised if you disregarded this letter completely. But if you are still reading, thank you for taking the time. I had a gut feeling that you were holding back from being with me for a few reasons, but one in particular was because you wanted to experience other one.
Although you’ve denied that you’re new one has had anything to do with your sudden choice to “never want to be with me again,” I think you should remember that you have a subconscious, and you may be doing some of the things you’re doing partly because of unrecognized alternative motives, even though you may recognize them in your thoughts and deny their existence to me. Long time ago you were telling me you’d say you love me "but I though you are already for get that word. I could go on accusing you of many things that I am angry about right now. But I do want to say I love you all of my heart.
Nont, you have been said to me if I were the last person in this world,you would rather to be alone. It cut so deep inside my heart,like I'm bleeding inside,you know! Nont.
I will always love you,no matter what you said to me and treated me too.
You are the rest of my life.
Your always.
TON
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